Disagreements and How to Handle them Biblically

            For this blog post, the Christian Connector Writer consulted the expertise of four Christian Community Leaders/Pastors. They are as Follows:

• Frank Winans, Senior Pastor at Woodbridge Community Church in California
• Thomas Lane, Lead Pastor at Ascent Church in Virginia Beach
• Ron Pawloski, Director of Biblical Counseling at Tomoka Christian Church in Florida
• Thom Seagren, President of The Christian Connector

Disagreements in the world… and on Campus

“Any Christian need[s] to really be prepared for what they are about to go into…”

                        – Pastor Frank Winans (Senior Pastor, Woodbridge Community Church)

Disagreements are not only common but are becoming more and more volatile as our society becomes increasingly divided over multiple issues: politics, race, current affairs, wars, and—of course—religion. But that’s nothing new. Stretching back to the beginnings of recorded history, (the creation of the world, as we know it from Genesis) disagreements and conflicts have peppered the trail humans walk.

Cain and Able, Jacob and Esau, Lot and Sodom, Paul and Barnabas, and religious war after religious war. Times have of course changed, but you don’t have to look far to see where the seams of civility have begun tearing. Examples of disagreements and fiery conflicts are all around, and at the crux of many of them we find Christianity under fire—especially on college campuses.

“And the big thing to understand is that our society today is tearing itself apart because people are not willing to talk or listen or have a reasonable debate…” Said Ron Pawloski (Director of Biblical Counseling, Tomoka Christian Church), “… People use all these horrible names: nazi, racist, fascist—all these horrible things that are thrown around on college campuses. What they’re really doing in the midst of that is they’re dehumanizing you, or the person they’re talking to, so that they don’t have to listen to the discussion.”

The upsetting truth is that as we transition from high school to college—yes, even Christian college—or even just life beyond school, we need to be prepared to face a world that disagrees with us and even hates us. Jesus even said that it would:

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”

John 15:18-19 (NIV)

Many of us know this in principle, but facing the fire for ourselves, especially initially, can be quite shocking and difficult to handle. There are some key things to understand: first, someone disagreeing with you does not mean you are wrong. No matter how angrily they disagree with you or how many names they call you, you are not wrong for having faith just because they do not agree with it.

Second, remember that the hatred and the anger that they may direct at you is really an indication of their issue with Jesus, with God, with the Bible, or as the result of someone else’s misrepresentation of Christ. Their fight is against Jesus, and ultimately, He will be the one who deals with it, whether before death or after it. That said, it is not your job to beat them for Him; it’s your job to represent Him.

But, in the case of disagreements, anger, name calling, shouting, and potentially more extreme forms of disagreement, what does that look like for us? When the world tells us to argue and shout and disagree loudly and publicly, how are we meant to behave as representatives of Jesus? Let’s get into that.

How Do we “Disagree Biblically?”

“The entire Bible, especially if you look in the New Testament, is based on love. You know, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” Thom Seagren (President of The Christian Connector) said, “… regardless of how vehemently we disagree with an individual, whether it’s politics, discussing the Bible, discussing your work at your job, school—doesn’t matter. Are we doing so in a way that if Christ were standing next to us, He’d be pleased? Or Not?”

Obviously, it’s easier said than done. What does it really mean to love someone in disagreement? A good starting point is keeping the peace. Thomas Lane (Lead Pastor, Ascent church) points to Romans 12:18, which says:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (NIV)

Lane points out that the verse states “if it is possible,” implying that it might not always be so. We can only control what we do in these situations of disagreement. So, as far as our control over the situation goes, we are to keep the peace. Leading up to verse 18, Romans 12 gives examples of how to do that, listing sincerity, humility, devotion, patience, prayer, and blessing those who persecute you, among others. This section of Romans 12 is aptly titled “Love in Action,” implying that keeping the peace, blessing our persecutor or enemy, and moving with patience and humility are part of love.

“We always try to keep the peace with everyone. We need to be very clear and very careful how we love and how we present ourselves—not just a false front but actually loving and serving people. I think that’s the key to a lot of disagreements,” Lane said.

The importance of practicing love in disagreements, whether disagreeing with other Christians or with non-believers is echoed by Winans, Seagren, and Pawloski. Winans points to the book of Philemon as an excellent example of Christians managing potential conflict, which can be the outcome of many disagreements.

Philemon was a slave owner and Onesimus, his slave, ran away and became a Christian in Rome, where Paul was imprisoned. He confided in Paul, who tells him that the right thing to do is return to Philemon. Paul writes the book as a letter to Philemon, imploring him to forgive Onesimus and accept him as a brother in Christ.

“How do we as Christians deal in conflict? It’s with respect, it’s with dignity—we see that in the book of Philemon. You honor people, you recognize that they’re fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord. You engage into conversation. It’s always in the context of love,” Winans said, “We’re always to speak the truth and love, as best as we understand it to be.”

The Bible doesn’t say that we can’t disagree. In fact, we have to. We are meant to hold to the truth and obey the Lord. We are in the world but not meant to be like the world. We see in Romans 12:2a that we are not to conform to the world, but to be transformed by the Word.

What that means is that we cannot agree with or become like those who don’t believe in the Lord as far as core values and beliefs go. We can agree on things like pizza, or sports, or who the best character from a tv show is. But when it comes to morality, issues of right and wrong, the basis for it, and the character of the Lord, if their answer does not agree with scripture, then we have to be in disagreement.

“We have to disagree, but I think the way we do it is very important,” Lane said, “Rather than us just shouting our opinions to see who can shout louder, I think there’s a lot of value in leading with our handshake of love and knowing, ‘hey, we might disagree on everything, but we’re going to love you, we’re going to serve you.’ I think that opens up a relationship to ask questions.”

To disagree with the world is to stand firm on our faith, and that’s okay—good, even. We are called to do so, but to do it in love. What does that look like? Speaking with sincerity, humility, being patient, compassionate, blessing and praying for those you disagree with, and showing them respect and dignity. Lane explains that a great way to apply love in a disagreement is encapsulated in a quote by Stephen Covey, in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” The quote reads:

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

This quote echoes some Biblical principles, which we see in James 1:19-20:

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (NIV)

Even if you know they’re wrong, even if you know you won’t agree, still listen. Let them explain their beliefs and listen to why they think what they think. Don’t yell, don’t call them names, and don’t interrupt. If you want to be able to have a rational and effective conversation with someone you disagree with, you need to first understand their perspective before you can speak into it. From there, you can then respond to their objections about faith, their confusion, answer their questions, and speak about the things that they don’t understand.

“If we’re discussing faith with somebody that doesn’t share that faith, the last thing we want to do is be contentious or argumentative. We want to be giving that person, in love, the love of Christ and the Word of Christ,” Pawloski said.

 Reasonable, loving disagreements are possible, and expected of us as we represent Christ and live differently than the world. But, as we saw in Romans 12, there is a side of the conversation that we cannot control. There are times when you can be perfectly loving and patient in disagreeing with someone, and peace is not kept.

How do we Navigate the Hate?

Unfortunately, there will be times when you can do your part to have a healthy discussion, but people will respond in anger and hatred anyway. What do we do then?

“When we can have a calm, rational conversation or disagreement, that’s great. If we can’t, then we need to walk away… one of the biggest things that we tell people is the minute things get heated, stop right there. Put a pin in it. Walk away, go for a walk, go cool off. Go do whatever you got to do and then come back when you can rationally have a discussion,” Pawloski said, ““It stops being healthy when it becomes emotional, or it becomes personal.”

It’s alright to walk away and, as Pawloski asserted, it may be the healthiest and safest course of action. It doesn’t mean that you hate them or that they “win” the argument. Sometimes, to prevent further harm or escalation and to preserve your relationship and future opportunities to represent Christ to them, you need to exit the encounter before it becomes heated.

We’ve all seen the videos, and we all know an example of the famous “if you disagree with me, you hate me” strategy. Unfortunately, this is a common way of dealing with disagreements now, particularly against Christianity and Biblical morality. It’s important that we don’t fall into or confirm this way of thinking. Having a different opinion does not make us hateful. Disagreeing with someone’s way of life, particularly if we know it to be against what the Bible teaches does not make us sinful.

            “All they want to hear is their opinion coming out of your mouth, and when it gets that bad, it may be time to just walk away… logic didn’t have anything to do with them coming to that opinion of you, and logic is not going to fix it. It’s all emotionally based,” Pawloski said. “… but as followers in Christ, we always, always, always need to stand firm on the word of God.”

            As we’ve seen, the word of God tells us to love both our neighbor and our enemy, but it also tells us to not respond in anger (Ephesians 4:29). Few of us can stand to be yelled at indefinitely without reacting. In those situations where disagreements devolve into heated arguments, personal attacks, and yelling, the best thing to do may be to say, “we disagree,” and walk away. Continue to pray for them, continue to answer their questions when they ask them calmly, and continue to love them while maintaining Biblical truth.

            “For me, the further someone is from Christ, the more grace I need to have in my disagreements, in my debating,” Seagren said, “I need to show more grace, not less grace. The only way they’re going to come to Christ is if they see, you know, the truth of something that is different…”

            Remember, ultimately it is the Holy Spirit who brings people to Christ. God uses us, but we are not responsible for changing people’s hearts; we are responsible for bringing them the good news and representing Christ in love and truth. God will handle their heart—you tell them the truth.

            “There’s no jerks for Jesus, right? But we’re called. Jesus told us to go make disciples of all nations. Right? We’re called to bring the good news that Christ is a living hope…” Winans said, “… there’s going to continue to be a clash of worldviews and belief systems. Atheistic belief systems, Islamic belief systems, Christian belief systems are all colliding on the college campuses. And they should. You know? Let’s engage in the discussions.”

What Now?

            Whether you’re about to begin college or you’re entering the adult world of working, these disagreements will come. So, what does that mean for you?

Simply put, be prepared.

“You don’t ever want to go into a test having no idea what you’re going to be tested on,” Seagren said, “why would you want to go off to any college and have no clue about the perspectives that are going to be presented?”

In other words, know what you believe, why you believe, and why you don’t believe the alternatives.

Being in the Bible daily is essential. Where does truth come from? Where is our identity based? How do we know what God said?

“The biggest thing that we need to do when we’re facing disagreements from the world—cause the world does oppose the word of Christ—is be rooted in that word of Christ,” Pawloski said.

Another important piece of the preparation-puzzle is our community. Do you have spiritual support? Do you have people to fall back on for encouragement, Godly advice, and prayer? Make having a Christian community wherever you go a priority in your life—especially in college.

“We have to be planted. We have to draw our strength and support and life from somewhere… who you’re around, it’s really going to make a profound effect in your life,” Lane said. “… find Christian community—find imperfect Christian community but find it.”

Disagreement is not a bad thing, and it’s not something we need to be afraid of. It’s about how we handle it and how we treat others in the midst of it. Yes, some people will hate you for your beliefs. They hated the most perfect man to ever walk the earth—and He still died for them.

So, be firm in the Word of God and firm in your decision to love others. Tell them the truth and tell it in love. Understand that you aren’t the one who changes people, but the one God uses to bring the good news. These disagreements can be wonderful opportunities to share Jesus, so make that the ultimate priority—not “winning,” but showing the love of God.

“… this is a really intelligent belief system, rooted in history, archaeology, geology, prophecy, billions of changed lives because of Christ—this is true. We should talk about this. And some people will get mad with you, that’s okay,” Winans said, “be gentle and reverent, but don’t be afraid not to speak.”

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